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Interestingly enough, less than one year later I was married. It didn't take long into the marriage that I realized there wasn't enough holding us together to make it through the twists and turns in life. Even a precious little baby, born to us in an unexpected pregnancy three weeks after we were married couldn't do that. I was searching instead of being content within myself and with my life, no matter what the circumstances. But what was I searching for exactly? Only the ache in my heart reminded me of how unsettled I really felt on a regular basis.

Then one day, three years later when I was divorced and re-married, I had the courage to face the aching question in my heart. The pain returned and the fog lifted when I was out walking our dog.

I found my mind reflecting back to a childhood memory . . .

I was riding with my dad in his red Blazer. As a child, I felt unstoppable on the road, big and on top of the world, as we rode together high above the other cars. I knew my father loved his truck . . . maybe that's why I also loved it so much. His self-assured and happy energy was appealing to me because his heart was wide open to life in that moment.

Since my parents were divorced, I'd spend a lot of time driving back and forth with him from the east side of town, where my mother lived, to the west side of town, where he lived. When he and I were alone in the truck, the two of us would sing his favorite country tunes. Country music never particularly appealed to me, however singing with my father did, especially when his favorite song came on. "Come live with me and be my life . . ." He would get excited, turn up the music, and–on nice days–roll down the window, all in one motion.

As I walked, my mind then drifted to a beautiful summer day when I was 16 years old. The sky was blue and the air a perfect 72 degrees, with a slight breeze, creating an enjoyable aroma from my mother's garden. I was outside waiting for my dad, as he drove up in his red truck to get me for the weekend. This time I was again alone with him as I hopped in and we quickly proceeded down the road. It was one of those days where my heart was wide open and everything felt wonderful, safe, and complete. Suddenly an urge came over me and I turned to my father and asked him the question that I had wondered for years, "Are you my real father?"

Dad looked amazed, stunned, and scared. I felt like I could almost hear his thoughts radiate from his heart to mine. I was sure he was wondering, How did you know?

I took a deep breath then, knowing the answer to my question, but wishing it would be different. I had asked him, although I really didn't want to hear the truth. As my question lingered in the air, I looked back at Dad, my eyes pleading with him to tell me it wasn't true. I'm confident he could feel my mixed emotions. Part of me wanted to know, even though I wished it wasn't true.

Noticing my ambiguity, Dad took a deep breath. As he was about to answer, I turned my head away from him, glanced at a passing grocery store, then closed my eyes and held my breath. I heard him say, "Some day, when you're older, I promise we'll talk."

His avoidance gave me temporary relief. Knowing the truth for certain would mean I'd have to grieve the illusion of my old identity and the things I knew as my security. Dad seemed to intuitively sense that I wasn't ready or strong enough for that yet.

And then, as I continued to walk the dog, I remembered what happened two years later . . .

I had already gone off to college and was moving on with my life. On this day, I was sitting on the bleachers in the gym, awaiting the arrival of Leo Buscaglia with anticipation. The arena was packed. I'll never forget how excited I was. Buscaglia, a motivational speaker who taught how to have loving relationships, was speaking at the college I attended. After seeing him on TV so many Sunday afternoons as a kid, I couldn't wait to finally see him in person. Now I had my chance.

My heart began to swell in my chest as Buscaglia stepped up to the podium. First, he expressed his appreciation for being there. Then, he lectured. His message was on love. His humor and humanness made this very serious topic hit close to home. The two-hour talk flew by quickly as he took my heart from laughter to tears and back again. I felt extraordinarily open and alive.

As I listened, a still, small voice spoke to me from within,

"You, too, some day will have your own special message to offer others on love."

A chill came over my body, from the top of my head to my toes. I looked out into the audience and felt our connection. My heart was wide open and full of love.

"It is your destiny," I heard the voice say.

Suddenly, the magic was gone. The voice of my self-doubt harshly contradicted the loving tone of the other. But how? Me? I know nothing about relationships! Who would listen to me?

"Just wait and be patient. You will see," The voice said again.

With that, the audience began clapping, giving Buscaglia a standing ovation. It was the end of his speech. But I also received the applause. For a moment, I was sure it was for me. On some level, I knew it was my destiny. Buscaglia lifted his hand in the air in gratitude and slightly bowed his head, humbly accepting his standing ovation before he left the podium.

I strolled back to my dorm in awe. WOW! was all I could think. My body was filled with energy. My heart was open. I felt love flowing through me towards the whole world. I also felt a connection deep and full within myself. This moment was the only moment that mattered. The sky was midnight blue, the air crisp, and the stars bright. I barely remember how I got back to my dorm room. I was intoxicated with delight.

As I opened the door and entered my dorm room, four of my college friends were sitting lined up at the back of the room on one of the beds. They nervously glanced at one another. Their silence spoke volumes of concern.

"Hey, what's up guys? Is there something wrong?" I asked.

They continued to look at each other, perhaps hoping they wouldn't have to be the one to answer me. Finally, my friend Karen spoke up, "We have something to tell you."

Afraid and angry now about their hesitancy, I emphatically asked, "Karen, what's up?"

"It's your dad."

"What?" My wide open heart was now filled with panic. I was afraid to ask for more information. But it followed.

"He died tonight of a massive heart attack."

"What?" I demanded. "You must be wrong! That can't be right. I just spoke with him last night and he was fine. He is fine!" I insisted.

Suddenly my heart began to ache. The intensity of the love I'd felt at the talk was now replaced by the intensity of pain I was experiencing. How could this be? I felt shocked, confused, deeply saddened, hurt, and afraid.

Then, one of my friends spoke to help me clear the fog. She gently looked me in the eyes and reaffirmed the truth by saying, "Mary, your dad's wife, called and told us. It is true. We're so sorry."

As I remembered hearing the awful news, I recalled that, for some reason, I couldn't cry. Looking back today, I'm sure it was because the truth was too painful to endure. My heart felt broken. Being connected with myself in such a moment was difficult, since I'd been conditioned to do otherwise.

As I finished walking the dog, my eyes were filled with tears. I wondered, Why is it so difficult for us to allow ourselves to feel? And then I knew . . . For me, it was hopelessness and grief that felt overwhelming, and so I avoided them. Most of the people I knew were similarly conditioned either to "pull up their bootstraps" or to freeze up and try to "let stuff roll off their backs," as I had been doing in my marriage and career.

I also couldn't help but wonder, Maybe most of us fear the feelings of being alive and passionate equally as much as we fear grief? Do we fear that if we open our hearts to joy and love we'll be vulnerable and exposed to pain too?

Because my heart was so open to love after Leo Buscaglia's talk on the night that my dad passed away, I was emotionally wounded by the devastating news of his death. I reflected on all the detours I subsequently took to avoid connecting to my inner self: job performance, busyness, relationships, obsessing about the future, grandiose goals, and so on. I'd been dismissing my emotions and overcompensating with outer appearances and achievement.

Thinking about these tendencies made me realize I wasn't alone. Although my pain originated from its own unique story, I knew that many of the people whom I saw rushing around at work and in my neighborhood every day had their own painful stories too. They were all working hard, like me, to try to cover up their pain. I knew this because whenever I had risked sharing my story and pain with some of them, they were right there matching me with the same level of vulnerability.

Was there another option to living a fast-paced life of performance? How might we live a more meaningful and fulfilling life instead? The continued emotional and spiritual journey, which I share in my book, The Secret to "I AM" revealed these Four Secrets to Bring Out the Best in Yourself and Others:

Secret #1: Embrace Your Uniqueness

 

Each of us has aspects of our life and ourselves that cause us self-doubt. Until we can learn to embrace the aching questions and doubt within our hearts, we don't have a space for joy and contentment to enter. Ask: Hmm…isn't that interesting, I wonder…what "lie" am I holding onto that is keeping me from having an abundant life? Once we recognize our own self-doubt and how we sabotage ourselves, we are able to be more compassionate with others.

Secret #2: Embrace the Unknown

 

Even though we may not like the results in our life, we often continue choosing the same strategies and paths, turning our heads to other possibilities and truths in our lives that could ultimately lead us to fulfillment. Why? Because the unknown scares us to death. Most of us, if honest, would rather continue in life with an ache in our heart than the fear of the unknown. Most of us when facing the unknown go into a reactive pattern of fighting to get our way or fleeing from the challenge all together. Instead of experiencing anxiety or depression, there is a "third door option" available to us all: trusting and allowing. In this state, we become more of an observer. As we detach from the situation and our own anxiety and fear, we are able to ask a question in the unknown that leads us to a new way of being. We ask: How might I choose what to do or say, for the Highest Good of All? Then we wait, with positive expectancy.

 

Secret #3: Embrace Intuitive Wisdom

 

Some people believe that intuition is just a "woman-thing." But I can tell you from many years of training and coaching executives in the workplace that it's very much of a male-skill as well. Many top executives have shared that their best decisions come to them when they let go with positive expectancy and believe that the answer will come to them in perfect timing. Often it comes to them in a "gut-feeling." In many cases, this happens when we are in a calm place away from our office or our "daily-grind." For some, it's that walk with the dog, others it's yoga, journaling, laying on the beach, boating, golfing, fishing…any activity that takes us away from trying to figure it out in our minds. What is the question yearning in your heart? Ask the question and let it go. Say: I am able to attract truth and wisdom in perfect timing.

 

Secret #4: Embrace a Love in Something Bigger than Yourself

 

Up to this point our life has been about learning to embrace all that we are and all of our resources within. But in order to manifest a life that brings out the best in ourselves and others, we need to let go of our ego needs. Simply put, that means decisions made to answer the questions: What's in it for me? How can I make myself feel good? When we get to the point where we believe that something bigger than ourselves matters, we begin to make ourselves smaller so that there is room for that something else, as we define it. This helps us to curb our human tendency, which is to be self-absorbed. What is that thing that is "something bigger"? It is love. Embracing something bigger than yourself may begin with a child, a cause, or a purpose. But ultimately, from the author's point of view, we must surrender our smaller "I am this or that," or "I am going to do this or that," to the "Great I AM" which is our Higher Power. Until we believe that God is interested in our ultimate good, and loves us unconditionally, we can't let go and enjoy this journey that we call life in spite of all the circumstances! When we are embracing the Fourth Secret we are asking: How might I be a vessel of love in this situation for the Highest Good of All? At this point we are trusting and allowing, because we know that I AM love!